The Outhouse Theory

I know things break. And things must be repaired. I know this. But… everything around here has broken at least twice recently. Okay, at least once, but some things TWICE. As of yesterday, Mercury is officially in retrograde, but I can’t imagine how it could get worse. Did I just write that? See how I do this all wrong. Nothing like tempting fate.


  • Light bulbs are still bursting when we turn them on (in fact, there’s only one bulb working in the light fixture in here right now).
  • Every time I turn a light switch on in the house, it shocks me.
  • The DVR broke, we got a new one, it wouldn’t work, and we had to get another one.
  • The sink backed up in our bathroom.
  • The iron was spitting rusty water.
  • The CD player started freaking out, but it’s working now.
  • The fridge broke, we got it repaired, it broke again.
  • We took my car for inspection but after two days, Larry still wasn’t finished. We needed it, so we had to take it back to him a couple of days later.
  • And let’s not forget the starling incident.
  • And it snowed a few days ago and sleeted yesterday morning. I know that doesn’t count as something breaking but… They’re calling for rain today, tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday! Really?

The refrigerator still isn’t fixed. It worked for a week or so after Fridge Guy fixed it the first time, then it broke again. Fridge Guy arrived (for the second time) a couple of days ago. By this time the fridge hadn’t worked for six days, and half the food was thawing or thawed. We had to remove what was left, pack it in ice and hope for the best.

He didn’t have the correct part. Can you believe it? I know you can. So, he called another guy who had a “used” part on his truck. This enabled him to make a temporary fix. 

Fridge Guy has been here so much, he’s fast becoming my second son. I’m encouraging him to stop smoking, get a nice girlfriend and take a course at the community college. I declare, I’m taking groceries and new socks to his apartment next week.

I’m not sure when he will return. H said sometime next week. Holy bajolie, I hope the fridge works till then. I returned salmon that was slightly thawed around the edges to the freezer. I’m probably going to die, you guys.

Now the nice stuff.

While Fridge Guy was here (not) fixing my fridge, my car was in the shop. The same car that was in the shop last week for an inspection. We’ve been taking our car to Larry for eight years. He’s a great guy. Herm asked him to give it a once-over and replace anything that needed to be replaced because we’re going on a road trip in a few weeks.

It didn’t pass inspection last week because the high beams on the left side weren’t working. I needed my car back, so Larry promised to do it this week. Someone else told us it was a sensor or computer module or something or other that would cost a few hundred dollars.

Larry traced the wires back to the fuse box and found that the fuses for the light and the fuel pump had been switched. This was courtesy of  Shorty, the guy who worked on it when we lived with Dad. I could tell you horror stories about Shorty’s shenanigans.

Larry switched them and SHABAM! Bright lights. He fixed my heater and a few other things. The whole bill was under $200. I was hoping for under $400. Larry always comes in lower than we expect. I love Larry.

If one more appliance breaks, I’m moving deep into the woods and live near a stream and haul my own water. Birds will sing to me and alight on my shoulder. Flowers will bloom at my front door. I’ll have a wood-burning stove and an outhouse with a crescent moon on the door. I already have the specs. A girl’s gotta dream.


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